Bleach: Yo Mama
by draconichero21
Summary: A collection of statements meant to make fun of, roast, and glorify several Bleach characters. Most statements are done to the same style as Yo Mama jokes. Rating increased because of sexual inneuendos in 2nd chapter
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: This idea popped into my head when I was talking to someone about how much Omaeda fails. Since I didn't have enough material for just Omaeda I decided to do this as both a tribute and roast to several Bleach characters. Please Enjoy).**

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

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**Omaeda:**

Omaeda is so fail even Hanataro Yamada could do a better job as Soifon's lieutenant

Omaeda is like an elephant: throw a mouse in front of him and he'll run away screaming "It's the apocalypse!"

Omaeda is so fail Ichigo broke his Shikai ball and chain barefisted

Omaeda is so fat even his sub rolls have sub rolls

Omaeda is so fat and stupid that you could put him on a tread mill, dangle a turkey leg from the ceiling and he wouldn't have the brains to step off the treadmill to get the poultry

Omaeda is so fail even Kon could defeat him in a fight just by tripping him, and Kon could avoid being squashed.

Omaeda's stomach is so large, he can use it as a drum....the base kind.

Omaeda is so fat he can't buy his pants off the rack at a store.

Omaeda is such a pig that you know the paperwork he has filled out, but the cheese doodle stains all over them.

Omaeda is so lazy that instead of brushing his teeth after meals, he takes a nap

Omeada is so fat that when he falls down the shockwave measures on the Richter Scale

Omaeda is so fat that, like Rangiku, he can't lie face down or he'll suffocate, but this is for a completely different reason.

Omaeda is so fat he has his own gravitational orbit

Omaeda is so heavy that if he falls on something he'll break it, even the floor.

Omaeda is so fat even his Zanpakuto Spirit has gained weight.

Omaeda is so fail that his Zanpakuto Spirit literally kicked his ass

Omaeda will not survive the Zombie apocalypse; in fact his flesh will be the first target and will be enough to sate the hunger of a small horde of Zombies

Omaeda is so fat he self insulates

Omaeda is so big that he hibernates during the winter

Omaeda is so round that when the Shinigami play Volleyball he's the ball

Omaeda's blood type is frosting

Omaeda has such high cholesterol they found bacon bits in his blood

Omaeda can take all the diet pills he wants, he won't get any thinner

Omaeda is so fat he needs to grease every door he walks through

Omaeda is so gross, Mayuri uses his bathwater as a chemical weapon. **(Credit for this goes to CatnipKitteh)**

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**Hanataro:**

Hanataro is so fail he trips over nothing

Hanataro is so fail that he would lose to any of the cocoon Pokemon that only know harden.

Hanataro is so fail that he can't get one single point on Guitar Hero's easiest song on the lowest difficulty setting

Hanataro is so fail that the reason that he is the only person his captain never uses her secret smile on is because she pities him

Hanataro is so fail that sarcasm is a foreign language to him

Hanataro is so fail that his punches are literally more injurious than his sword swings…up to a point

Hanataro is secretly Emo because in order to recharge his Zanpakuto after it turns into a scalpel, he would have to theoretically cut himself

Hanataro is so useless that he doesn't even know how to properly use Shunpo

Hanataro is so fail that he was the only partner Shinigami assisting a captain to be attacked by an Espada.

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Unohana:

Unohana is so epic that she was able to make her enemy, the leader of the Exequias, back off with her smile

Unohana is so epic that most Shinigami have stated that death Yamamoto-soutaicho's Bankai would be a more preferable fate than crossing her.

Unohana is so epic that she can win a battle without lifting a finger

Unohana is so epic that she always gets her way

If Unohana were on trial for murder she'd be found not guilty just by pleading her innocence with a smile

If Unohana were being given a ticket for speeding, all she would have to do would be to smile in apology and say that it won't happen again and she'd be let off with a warning

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Aizen:

Aizen is so overpowered that his Zanpakuto is basically = Hax

Aizen is proof positive that the Superman disguise works

Aizen is so overconfident that he drinks tea before alerting his followers to the situation

Aizen is so overconfident that he doesn't eliminate those he cuts down, despite that they may come back to bite him in the ass later

Aizen is so overpowered that he ripped through all of his opponents in one slice

Aizen is so godly that until Shinji cut him in that one chapter, he had yet to take any injuries in the entire series

Aizen can slam revolving doors

Aizen is so godly that Chuck Norris looks under his bed for him before he goes to sleep

Aizen is so godly that anything and everything we do will be a part of his plan

Aizen's ego is so large that when compared to The Oasis of the Seas, the cruise ship in question is but a tiny speck of dirt in comparison

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Urahara:

Urahara is so chill that he doesn't have to fight in order for us to know that he is badass

Urahara is so chill that he volunteers Ichigo for him

Urahara is such a comic that if we don't understand his sense of humor, we have none

Urahara is so intelligent that he has to make himself seem like he's not on purpose.

Urahara takes precautions. How else do you explain why Hiyori was the one injured when she attempted to kick him where the sun don't shine

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Hitsugaya:

Hitsugaya is so short that he could win a limbo contest walking upright

Hitsugaya is so short that if he were on a mission with Rangiku at a theme park she'd be mistaken for his mother

When Hitsugaya screams at Rangiku at the top of his lungs I feel like I'm watching a Japanese sitcom

Hitsugaya is so cool he needs a sweater

Hitsugaya can make his own snow day, literally

Hitsugaya will have his growth spurt at the same time Genis Sage will, which is to say never

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Isane:

Isane is so tall she has to duck before entering a room

Isane is so tall that she can reach the cookie jar on the top shelf without stretching for it.

Isane is timid…and it's her captain's fault

Isane is so self-conscious of her appearance she makes Yumichika's narcissism look normal

Isane is so shy that I would be surprised if her Zanpakuto spirit wasn't a turtle. Which would Ironic with a release command like "Run"

Isane is so easily embarrassed that instead of just getting a blush her face matches the color of Renji's hair

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Renji:

Renji is so fail that he has never won a single, difficult fight by himself and has lost all others.

Renji is so fail that his Zanpakuto Spirit has bigger boobs than his crush

Renji is so fail that even Ururu feels safe picking on him

Renji is so fail that his Bankai makes for the biggest overcompensation in Bleach History

Renji is so fail that when he finally stood up to Byakuya he was shot down

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Keigo:

Keigo is so fail that his special Karakura Riser power was the ability to run away

Keigo is so fail that he's afraid of his own sister

Keigo is such a coward that he'd run away at the sign of a running leaf

Keigo is such a coward that he'd be afraid of a small three pound Chihuahua

Keigo is so fail that Kon could defeat him in a fight

Keigo is so fail that he got beaten up for Mizurio introducing himself to Ichigo

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Kon:

Kon is so fail that he wound up with a flower super glued to his ear

Kon is so fail that he will always be denied what he wants

Kon is so fail that despite beating up Uryu, when said Quincy messed him his repair, he was still duped by the skilled sewer

Kon is so fail that he was kicked out of his own home

Kon is so fail that the only practical use for his plush body is Karin's soccer ball and Yuzu's doll

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Tosen:

If Tosen is blind why did Aizen put him in charge of visuals

If Tosen is blind why was he using Binoculars in the Bleach 254 Omake

If Tosen is blind why was he able to tell that Kenpachi was smiling

If Tosen is blind how is he able to use computer monitors

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Yamamoto:

Yamamoto is so old that when he was born McDonalds had only served 10

Yamamoto is so old there's a picture of Moses in his yearbook

Yamamoto is so old that when he crossed the street people would yell "Watch out for that Woolly Mammoth!"

Yamamoto is so old that he knew Burger King when he was still a Prince

Yamamoto is so old that he is facebook friends with Adam and Eve

Yamamoto is so old his SS# is 1

Yamamoto is so old his first Christmas was THE first Christmas

Yamamoto is so old and powerful that he is the cause of the KT Event.

Yamamoto is older than the dirt he used to sleep on.

Yamamoto proves that no matter how old you are you are never too old to curse

Yamamoto is so old that Eve was his first girlfriend

Yamamoto has so much firepower that if he ever eats a burrito he should be avoided for several hours

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(A/N: Okay I think that's plenty, hopefully you've laughed at least once, during all this. If you haven't you have no sense of humor. If you have anything to add, message me and I'll add it to the list or if it's for a character not listed I'll start making a new chapter. Let me know what you think of this. I will continue it's just that it's late and I have a headache. Review, Fave and Subscribe if you like).


	2. Bonus Chapter

**(A/N: Okay, it's a new day and I'm awake and feeling better so I'm going to try and rip on some more characters. Because of the amount of Sexual Innuendo's this time around I increased the rating to M for safety reasons. Please enjoy).**

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

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**Kenpachi:**

If Kenpachi relies on Yachiru for directions how does he make it to a captain's meeting on time?

After so many years with Yachiru you would think that Kenpachi would realize that her shortcuts don't work

If Kenpachi relies on Yachiru for directions how does he get to the bathroom when he needs to?

Kenpachi is so scary that if looks could kill he'd be a mass murderer by now

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**Byakuya:**

Byakuya is so handsome that his appeal has attracted the attention of an 8 year old girl

Byakuya is so over protective of Rukia you could group him with the group of fathers that remarry to their stepdaughters

Byakuya is like an Oak tree he's rigid and doesn't bend the laws of nature

Byakuya's head can be so far up his ass sometimes he can see his lungs

Byakuya is so badass he can use flower power and get away with it with his Sexual Orientation intact

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**Ukitake:**

Ukitake is so badass that he can fight super hard despite his suffering

Ukitake is so pale he makes a cancer patient look healthy

Ukitake is like Michael Jackson, both love little boys

Ukitake is powerful that he is willing to train his enemy how to fight, while fighting them

Ukitake is so powerful he can crush a Cero with his barefist

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**Rukia:**

Rukia is such a bitch that she attracts members of the male canine population when she's on her period

Rukia is so short she tried to apply for her driver's license and was denied for being too short because her feet couldn't reach the pedals

Rukia is so anorexic Ichigo was able to lift her above his head with only one arm

Rukia's drawing talent is so horrendous that even Tosen could draw better

Rukia is like most modern housewives: no matter how hard she works, at the end of the day she's still picking up her significant other's messes

If Rukia was duped by a simple juice box, I wonder what she'll think when she tries to use a soda can.

Rukia is so flat she's jealous of the wall. **(Credit for this goes to CatnipKitteh)**

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**Ichigo:**

Ichigo is the only main protagonist to die twice in a Shonen Manga. As if that weren't bad enough it was against the same opponent

Ichigo will kick Naruto's ass any day because he has a sword

Ichigo is a chick magnet, too bad he doesn't care

Ichigo is so headstrong he could crush a boulder with his skull

Ichigo is so dense, he could have a girl confess to him right in front of him and he wouldn't pick up on her feelings

Ichigo is the only Shonen protagonist I know to have an Oedipus Complex

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Shunsui:

Shunsui is such a pervert he makes Trekkie Monster look normal

Shunsui's game is as good as Keigo's and Kon's

Shunsui's game is so rusty that it could infect him with tetanus

Shunsui is so secure with himself he wears pink

Shunsui is so powerful he was able to kick Chad even after swallowing some Sake

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Starrk:

Starrk's loyalty to Aizen is proven by his canine symbolism

Starrk is so powerful that he can afford to fight half assed

When Starrk gets serious you can consider yourself as good as dead

Starrk is so lazy that when he wakes up from a nap he goes right back to sleep

Starrk is so powerful that he actually had to split himself into two in order to survive

Starrk is so powerful that hollows around him would die just by being exposed to his reiatsu

Starrk's wish was to fight someone strong…I guess he got his wish

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**Grimmjow:**

Grimmjow likes dramatic entrances so much that he blasted a whole in a wall to enter a room even though the door was open

Grimmjow is so badass he can tell off his superior in rank and not care

Grimmjow rocks for a reason: His Zanpakuto shares the name with a rock band

Grimmjow is Bleach's Vegeta

Grimmjow is so Epic he can get 100% on the hardest song in Guitar Hero…on Expert

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**Yoruichi:**

Yoruichi is so cat like she's Purrrrrrfect

Yoruichi is so fast she makes the Flash look like he's standing still

Yoruichi puts Blaire from Soul Eater to shame

Yoruichi is like a Willow she bends anything and everything around her to suit her needs.

Yoruichi is so clever she can do a rubix cube blindfolded

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Shinji:

Shinji's overbite is so large he puts Timmy Turner to shame

If Shinji likes to do things backwards I fear for the woman who becomes his lover

If Shinji likes to do things backwards I want to be at his house for dinner

If Shinji likes to do things backwards how does he get dressed in the morning?

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Orihime:

Orihime is so fail, she has all the power of a god and doesn't use it to its fullest extent to her advantage

Orihime is so fail that she can't commit to any of her decisions

Orihime is only intelligent on her terms

Orihime is so oblivious she tried undressing in front of a boy

Orihime's sense of taste is so out of whack that I fear what her diet would be like when and if she becomes pregnant

Orihime is so oblivious that she can't see a psychological trap when she sees one.

Orihime is so stupid: If she really is so in love with Ichigo, she should've known enough that had she told him what was going on when she was abducted he would've fought for her freedom right then and there

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Soifon:

If you want to know how dedicated Soifon is to Yoruichi look at the shape of her Shikai

Soifon is so dedicated to your Yoruichi she hates Urahara because he's an obstacle to her

Soifon is so head over heels for Yoruichi she tried to photograph her nude

Soifon is so head over heels for Yoruichi that when Yoruichi picked her up she initiated Law #99 of Anime Law the law of Sparkles

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Yumichika:

Yumichika is so far back in the closet he's in Narnia

Yumichikia is so gay he makes Soifon look straight

Yumichika is so such a narcissist that he takes as long in the bathroom as most women when he "gets ready in the morning"

Yumichika takes so long to use the bathroom there's a line waiting for him from other members of the squad after he exits: Kenpachi included.

Yumichika's narcissism is only topped by his Zanpakuto spirit

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Mayuri:

Mayuri is so insane even he is not an exception to his experiments

Mayuri is so scary he had to create Nemu in order to have a lieutenant

Mayuri is like Jirayah the only thing he cares about is "research"

In a battle of the brains, Mayuri has proven to be superior

Mayuri is so crooked he makes the leaning tower of Pisa look straight

Ironically, despite being completely crooked, Mayuri's current look is symmetrical, save for the middle nail on his right hair

If Mayuri is an Ex-convict why then is he trusted to lead a division

If Yamamoto and Central 46 have the power to search without a warrant why didn't they, in 100 years, investigate the crooked practices going on in 12th Division

If Nemu is Mayuri's guinea pig, I'd hate to see what kind of experiments he exposes her to at times

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Yachiru:

If Yachiru's sense of direction is so bad why doesn't she let Kenpachi choose where they go, I mean it's his legs

Yachiru is so childish I'll bet she forces her fellow squad members to play hide and seek with her

Kenpachi is the only reason Byakuya hasn't resorted to Senbonzakura to deal with Yachiru's harassment.

If Yachiru is the size and has the brain of an 8 year old how does she have the strength to both carry Kenpachi and have the responsibility to be a vice-captain?

I'd hate to be in 11th Squad just because I'd have to take orders from someone who looks and acts less than half my age

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Rangiku:

Rangiku's boobs are so big they rival Tifa's

Rangiku is so irresponsible you have to wonder how she managed a vice-captain's position in the first place

Rangiku has all the physical qualities of a mother…if only she had the responsibility of one

Like Unohana, Rangiku always gets her way, but for a completely different reason

Rangiku is so promiscuous it takes really prudish people like Ichigo and Hitsugaya to stand up to her whims

Rangiku brings a whole new meaning to the term fanservice

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(A/N: And that, friends, fans and folks is part 2. I tried to get just about everyone I could with this chapter, but I'm sure I missed several characters, mostly because I can't find anything to noteworthy to rip on them about. I try to do at least 4 things for each character and I could only think of two at best for several characters I would like to insult and knock off their pedestals. Anyway I hoped you like this and if you can think of any more characters I can rip on and something that I can rip on about feel free to do so and if you can think of any more insulting statements feel free to tell me them and I'll add them to this list. I hope you all had a good laugh with this and understand that I mean to insult no one…at least outside the Bleach universe. Review, Subscribe and Fave).


	3. DVD Extras Chapter

**(A/N: I don't know how good this is going to turn out as opposed to the rest, but here goes. Remember no character is safe, so I don't care if I have respect for any specific character or if you do, I am going to try knocking all of them down a peg or two)**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

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**Shuhei:**

Shuhei is such a closeted pervert he's in Narnia…and they kicked him out.

Shuhei…are you implying something?

Shuhei's dreams are so flaky he can add milk and eat them for breakfast

Shuhei is so poor that when Izuru lit a match in his office the roaches began shouting "Clap your hands. Stop your feet. Praise the lord. We got heat!"

Shuhei is so poor that he was seen kicking a can down the street and when asked what he was doing he said "Moving my office"

Shuhei is so poor that when someone ate with him at dinner there were three beans on the table. The visitor took one and Shuhei told him not to be greedy

Shuhei is so poor he steals from the homeless

Shuhei is so poor stealing even Detective Dick Gumshoe has a better paycheck

Shuhei fails to see that Kazeshini looks more like pinwheels on chains than death scythes

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Gin:

Gin is happy because he sucked all of Izuru's joy into his own body

Gin is happy because he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico

Gin is happy because he just won the lottery

Gin is happy because he's not wearing any underwear today

Gin is happy because he no longer has any responsibility

Gin is happy because he enjoys the pain of others

Gin is so sadistic even the devil himself doesn't want him living in hell

Gin is so sadistic there are wanted posters with his picture on every church door

Gin is so sadistic he makes Mayuri look like Jesus

Gin is so sadistic even his own shadow is afraid of him

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Izuru:

Izuru is so epic he's the only Shinigami to win via decapitation

Izuru is so quiet in his speech even Colette Brunel's hearing can't pick up his mumbling

Izuru is so depressed even the anti-depressants are becoming useless

Izuru is so depressed that even on a bright and sunny day there were still storm clouds over his head

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Nanao:

Nanao is so rigid that if she tries to bend she'll break

Nanao is so easily frightened she was sent into panic by a drop of water

Nanao is so easily frightened she would become scared of a fellow Shinigami she knows all too well if her Captain created a Ghost Story about their past

Nanao is such a bookworm that she chose studying and reading over being out in the fray

Nanao misses her Nee-san so much she took her place

Nanao is so unlucky she's had the misfortune of winding up the victim of tentacle rape twice!

Nanao is so stiff, the stick up her ass is as soft as feathers in comparison. **(Credit for this goes to CatnipKitteh)**

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Ishin:

Ishin is so stupid he hears it's chilly outside and gets a spoon

Ishin is so stupid he bought a solar-powered flashlight just because it was on sale

Ishin is so stupid that he tried framing himself

Ishin is so stupid that he sees the forest, but misses the trees…whump!

Ishin is such a bad father that he intentionally lets Ichigo endanger himself

Ishin is such a bad father that he assaults his own son and over smothers his daughters to make up for it

Ishin is such a bad father he takes no responsibility for his son's actions despite the fact that Ichigo is still underage

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Szayel:

If Szayel is so concerned about his appearance why didn't he think to get contacts?

If Szayel is so concerned about appearances then he's a hypocrite

Szayel is such a narcissist he makes Yumichika look like a slob

Szayel has such an eye for fashion he should work for Abercrombie and Fitch

Szayel is such a freak that his Ressurreccion only proves this point

Szayel is so heartless he wouldn't spare a word of mourning for his brother.

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**Hallibel:**

Hallibel is such a temptress her jacket opens from the opposite direction

Hallibel is such a temptress her tattoo is on her boob

Hallibel is such a temptress she only covers the nips of her breasts with her armor and doesn't wear a bra.

Hallibel is such a temptress her Resurreccion makes her outfit even skimpier than it already was

Hallibel is such a temptress even her Fraccion don't cover their chests properly.

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Ulquiorra:

Ulquiorra is so Emo he's the reason My Chemical Romance was created

Ulquiorra is so Emo no matter where he is the weather is always thunderstorms

Ulquiorra is so Emo that he affected the usually bright and cheery Orihime

Ulquiorra is so Emo that his spiritual pressure was described as a torrential hurricane by Rukia, Chad and the others beneath Las Noches' dome

Ulquiorra is so Emo he has black hair and pastel white skin

Ulquiorra is so Emo he gave up when Ichigo had finally beaten him

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Momo:

Momo is like Ichigo, both are named after fruits

Momo is so flat even Matzoh is a little bit puffier

Momo is so fruity she believed Aizen's lies

Momo is so fruity she puts Ichigo to shame

Momo is so fruity you could make salad out of her

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Sajin:

Sajin's size has no bearing on his strength

Sajin is so fail he's been ripped horribly in every fight he's been in

Sajin's Bark is worse than his bite

Sajin puts a whole new spin on the word Bestiality

Sajin's victories are always via Animality

If Holy War is the fight over who has the biggest imaginary friend: Sajin Wins, flawless victory

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Nel:

Nel is such a brat that I've started reconsidering wanting kids after I get married

Nel is proof positive that big things come in small packages

For all who think Nel's adult form is hot, just remember what she looks like when she's not in that form, as well as how she acts

Nel is so childish…even after she returned to her adult form

Nel is fail, seriously she couldn't have held onto her form for just a little longer

Nel is fail because she gotten taken down by someone 5 ranks below her and a Privaron Espada

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Nemu:

Nemu is so withdrawn there's no such thing as taking advantage of her

Nemu is so fail she doesn't even realize that Mayuri is only alive because Uryu missed

Nemu is so robotic that she only acts when given orders

Nemu is so naughty that she calmed Uryu down by smothering him with her breasts

Nemu is the perfect example of a submissive housewife

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Uryu:

Uryu is so good at finding loopholes he should be a lawyer

Uryu is so good with a bow he should take up Archery at Karakura as opposed to sewing

Uryu proves that you can be a man and still like to sew…somewhat

If Uryu's shots are so high accurate how did his shot that tore through Mayuri's stomach miss?

Uryu is so rebellious that not only has he gone against his father, but also his grandfather

If I were Uryu I'd walk up to his dad look him straight in the eye, aim a bow at him and go "I have no talent for being a quincy my ass"

Uryu is so fail that when he hallucinates he sees butterflies

Does anyone besides me think that Uryu's new bow is like a can of bug repellent for hollows

If Uryu is intelligent enough to remember a hollow's full name after only hearing it once, why did he tie Ichigo's Zanpakuto to his head and come up with the stupid plan for Ichigo to channel his spirit energy into him.

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Ryuken:

Ryuken is so badass he can fire a bow and arrow with only one arm

Ryuken is so badass that non-smoking laws do not apply to him

Ryuken is so badass that his friendship with Ishin only furthers this notion

Ryuken is so hypocritical, he tells Uryu not to have dealings with Shinigami and yet he's friends with Ishin.

Ryuken is so cool he can defy the laws of physics **(Credit for this goes to jawwenthevampire)**

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(A/N: And that should do it for you all, hopefully this chapter has managed to gather together, what I believe to be, all the remaining important Bleach characters. I know I'm missing a few of the Espada and Shinigami officers, but there's either just not enough for me to make fun of them or it would be no fun to do so. As always Review, Subscribe and Fave and, although it is filler, Bleach 262 will have its subtitles done tonight so don't miss it. I know I won't. See you all next time).


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